The dictionary describes defensiveness as “the quality of being anxious to challenge or avoid criticism.” What it doesn’t describe is why we become defensive or how we deal with someone becoming defensive towards us. Getting defensive from time to time is a normal human emotion. We all go through it or experience it one way or another. That only tells us that we have something we should work on! And it’s an important reaction to be aware of because the frequency of defensiveness in our relationships increases the likelihood of relationship distress. The Center of Connected Living is the perfect place to go when you need help sorting through tough emotions.

“Why are you being so defensive?”

We’ve all heard this before. Sometimes we get passionate about what we’re saying that it comes out as defensiveness. Passion often can be disguised as being defensive, but what is the best way to respond when you’re hit with the question, “why are you being so defensive?” First, stop and think before you respond. Questions that start off with “why” can sometimes seem accusatory, and that determines how the rest of the conversation will go, but don’t let it go left! Stop and think about what the topic of conversation is and who you’re having it with. Defensiveness is often triggered because we feel insulted, attacked, misunderstood or mis-treated in some way. To be aware of how we are triggered is the best self-knowledge! Use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and beliefs.

Why am I being defensive?

“Maybe I am being defensive’… If this is a thought you’ve had in your head, I’m here to tell you that’s okay! It’s the first step in realizing that there’s a disconnect in communication and working to fix it. Occasionally, the most well-meaning sentences can raise red flags in our minds. It can arise for any number of reasons – a learned response, a natural reaction to feeling attacked, from past traumas or from being gaslit before. Whatever the reason, there’s no need to worry. Let’s work together to look at the root wound that has triggered a defensive position.

How to handle defensiveness from others

We can have the best intentions in the world and times will still happen when we insult, offend, and hurt others. It can be hard to admit when we’ve hurt or offended someone, especially when we know we didn’t mean to. The important thing to remember is that even if we didn’t mean to, we did, and we have to work towards bringing the conversation back to a comfortable and respectful place. If there is where you find your struggle lies, don’t attempt to figure it out on your own and create further cracks in a relationship that later can’t be repaired. If we find that someone is being defensive to something we said or did, we need to take the necessary steps to acknowledge our part and handle it as kindly and with as much understanding as we can.

Defensiveness is an emotion that can cause us to doubt ourselves, and maybe you’re not finding it easy to work through it. This is where The Center of Connected Living comes in. We can work with you on the best ways to deal with defensiveness from others, and even from yourself. We’re here to work with you, so schedule a session and we can do this together!

Breaking Through Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissistic traits displayed on occasion don’t necessarily mean there is a disorder. Each of us may at times display several behaviors driven to one-up others or need validation. We may even manipulate another person to like our idea or support our decision.

However, narcissistic personality disorder is one identifiable by an inflated self importance and a constant, deep desire for admiration and praise. A true narcissist will employ harmful behavior such as aggression, gaslighting, public shaming, lying, and more, to bolster their perceived status.

Narcissists are addicted to and depend upon constant affirmation and special treatment. There’s even a need for constant appeasement over what angers them. Yet, underneath all the entitlement and conceit lie a shattered self-esteem and emptiness.

Normal, or, Narcissist?

Having a level of self-confidence or self-preservation is healthy. We all have had bad days and been unkind to those we love. There is a difference between displaying behavior on the spectrum of narcissism and having a pathological diagnosis. Accumulative red flags on the higher end of the spectrum, or abusive behavior, means it’s time to reach out to a local relationship therapist for individual or group therapy sessions and/or exit a relationship, depending on your situation.

Some narcissistic traits or signs that may accumulate in your observation include:

• Being a know-it-all to the extent of constantly correcting or invalidating others and needing to be the one who drives conversation.
• Dominating or having a savior complex to the point of constantly criticizing and marginalize a partner. This make the partner feel like they miss the mark or would be nothing without the narcissistic rescuer.
• The constant need to be the best or well-received by the collection of merits or praise to the point of exhausting a romantic relationship.
• Using charm, exploitation, or coercion to have the partner move their boundaries inch by inch until the narcissist wins.
• Being deliberately confrontational, uncooperative, and unreasonable, causing others to dislike them, but at least notice them.

How to break the cycle

If you are naturally caring and nurturing, you may value pleasing and helping people, which is very attractive to narcissists. You care about them enough to have changed your boundaries, begged to appease them when they are upset, and change your habits to fit their script.

You are allowed to want reciprocated love, acceptance, affection and most importantly, respect. Feel free to give a little less of yourself if it depletes you and kindly ask for your needs to be met. Healthy relationships have give and take.

While diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder or any disorder is to be left to professionals, feel free to seek a professional is you are recognizing these harmful relationship dynamics. A couples counselor like, me, Dr. Corinne Scholtz, LMFT, is here to help with couples therapy and marriage counseling.

Dear Readers,

Happy New Year! You may notice that there has been a significant pause in my blogging. One of my intentions for the new year is to reconnect with writing and sharing insights and thoughts about relationships more frequently.

In my sessions, couples are routinely communicating challenges with narcissism, co-dependency, trauma and it’s effects, intimacy, and connection. Childhood wounds of neglect and abandonment are all too familiar for most of us. I’m looking forward to sharing what I’ve learned along with insights from my many marriage and couples counseling sessions from clients working through these issues and more.

Since my prior blog in December of 2019, our world has been turned upside-down. 2020 was a year of uncertainty, health crises, financial anxieties, grief, and more. 2021 was a year of processing, repairing, and finding recovery. 2022 is a year of resilience, pro-activity, and clarifying what is most important to each of us. Please reach out with any questions you may have about counseling. Here’s to new beginnings!

Dear LJ,

Holidays have a lot of history attached to them and unresolved relationship issues tend to sneak through the cracks. Unfortunately for many reasons spending time with family at the holidays can create a great deal of anxiety. I’ve heard of people ‘regressing’ when they are back in the family house with siblings, etc. as we start to play out old roles and ways of relating to one another.

The only thing you or anyone can control is their own attitude and reactions. My advice is to set an intention the night before the holiday as well as the morning of and remember that alcohol is an added dynamic that escalates any family issues!