Body Language Secrets You Should Know!

Even when you don’t say a word, other people can still learn a lot about what kind of person you are and what you are thinking and feeling. How do other people do this? By studying your body language. The term body language refers to the messages you send out with your body gestures and facial expressions. Some body language experts claim that only about 7% of our messages to other people (especially our spouse, family, and friends) are communicated through the words we speak. The rest of our messages are conveyed through our body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

During your entire life you have been sending messages to others through your posture, gestures, and facial expressions. When you were an infant, before you learned to speak, people were peering into your little baby face, looking at your gestures, and listening to your little cries and gurgles, trying to decipher what kind of mood you were in, and what you were trying to say. And you have been reacting to the body language, voice tone, and facial expressions of the people around you all your life, even though you may not have been consciously aware of it.

What sorts of messages are you conveying to your partner with your body language? Does your body language encourage your partner to approach you? Or do you subconsciously warn them to stay away? Take a moment to think about how you usually stand or sit when you are with your partner.

What are you doing with your hands?

Where are you looking with your eyes?

Does your face express interest in things your loved one is saying, or does your face stay a tense, stony mask?

When you are sitting or standing, do you usually cross your arms across your chest? If this is your typical way of standing or sitting, how do you think other people interpret this posture? Did you realize that most people will subconsciously interpret your arms crossed in front of your chest as a signal that you don’t want anyone to approach you? Only the bravest souls are likely to come forward when you adopt this posture.

If you stand awkwardly, with your chest slumped forward, your shoulders drooping, and your eyes avoiding everyone else, people are likely to decide you are very depressed or completely lacking in confidence. They may fear that trying to talk with you will be an awkward experience. When you stand awkwardly, you do not project any sign that you are confident in yourself, or that you have any interest in the people around you. Instead you look like you are trying to disappear.

No matter how desperately you want someone to come over and befriend you, if your body language projects awkwardness or disinterest in others, itís not very likely that many people will try to start a conversation with you. If some body language signals can frighten people away, are there signals that will encourage people to come forward and approach you? Yes, you can look much more approachable to others if you adopt body language that is open and non-threatening.

Whether you are sitting or standing, aim for a posture that is upright and alert, yet relaxed. If you notice that your chest or shoulders are slumping, straighten up.

Become aware of the way you are breathing. Does your breath move in and out smoothly? Or does it move with jerky little stops and starts?

If you notice that you are holding your breath, or breathing in a shallow, jerky manner, this is a sign of anxiety. When you breathe shallowly, you have to breathe more often, which can increase your appearance of nervousness. Consciously tell all the muscles of your body to relax. Use your abdomen to help you breathe smoothly and deeply. Let the bottom part of your lungs fill up with air as well as the top.

What are you doing with your hands? If you get nervous in social situations, you may feel that no matter what you do with your hands, it’s the wrong thing. Many people who cross their arms in front of their chest are probably doing so at least in part because they donít know where else to put their hands. You should never cross your arms in front of your chest unless you really donít want anybody to approach you. That is the message this gesture sends out. If you want to look open and approachable, keep your arms at your sides, or put one hand in your pocket. If you want to hold something in one hand, keep your hand at the side of your body, and not in front of you. Holding your arm in front of your body can be seen as a signal that you want to defend yourself against other people.

Stay aware of and focused on your surroundings and the people around you. If you find yourself tuning out your surroundings, you will start to focus too much on your negative inner sensations and thoughts. This can quickly increase your anxiety to a very uncomfortable level.

What sort of facial expression should you have if you want people to approach you? In most cases, a gentle, pleasant smile should do the trick. Too much of a smile that never softens can look forced and nervous. A pleasant smile with a twinkle in your eyes will convey to other people the impression that chatting with you will be a pleasant experience.

Dr. Corinne works virtually with clients everyday who are challenged in communication because of the body language of their loved one. Individual and couples therapy can be a wonderful place to discuss how body language and tone are affecting the relationship. Our common instincts are to fight, flee or freeze in threatening situations. Schedule a telehealth marital, couples or individual counseling session today to learn about how to improve the communication in your relationship.

We all know that relationships can be difficult. One of the best methods we have for making every relationship less stressful and more enjoyable is to show a little patience. Patience has been defined as what we lack for the driver in front of us and demand from the driver behind us.

In truth, patience is nothing more than time.

• Time before we say something: Think of a time when someone was not patient with you when you needed them to be. Think of how you felt. Think of how deeply you might have been hurt. The next time you find yourself losing patience with another, take a moment to remind yourself of how you felt when someone had no patience with you.
• Time before moaning and groaning: Patience takes time, but no more time than the showing of anger; of stomping or yelling or whining or complaining. A little patience can often resolve a conflict that a loss of patience will only escalate.
• Time to just let things run their course: Arnold H. Glasow said, The key to everything is patience. You get a chicken by hatching an egg, not by smashing it.î Some things require a certain amount of time. Losing patience only hurts ourselves and won’t speed up the process.

The lack of patience is the key to so much unhappiness and grief in this world, when all it requires is a little time on our part. One of the simplest ways to build stronger relationships and bring more happiness into our lives is by becoming a little more patient. Showing someone patience is really giving to another that which we wish to receive, while a lack of patience is nothing more than a reflection of ourselves.

Dr. Corinne Scholtz is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with an extensive background in helping individuals, couples, and families overcome obstacles and cultivate meaningful connections. With her warm and empathetic approach, she creates a safe and non-judgmental space where clients can explore their thoughts and feelings openly. Schedule your free consultation today!

We are all human. We all come from somewhere. Our pasts are a historical record of wonderful and painful moments that have happened to us. We all come wired with soundtracks from the past. And even the healthiest among us, are not immune from being triggered by other people.

Relationships can be a harmonious adventure or a disaster just waiting to happen. Two people sharing different perspectives, lifestyles, and experiences can be a breeding ground for emotional triggers. And it takes a lot of work and commitment to manage our reactions to the people we love, strangers we meet, and even ourselves. It takes practice, emotional intelligence, and a lot of self-awareness.

We are built for connection. To love and be loved. To feel seen and be heard. To feel supported and understood. We aim to find a partnership where we can feel safe, secure, and protected.

The human body has survival instincts that when threatened, engage in a fight, flight, or freeze response. This protects us when there is danger. It helps us manage stressful situations until the threat is gone and our body returns to its natural state. This instinct can often get in the way of our present world.

When we are triggered by our past, these instincts kick into high gear and we become emotionally flooded. Our limbic system is hijacked, and we are no longer present. Instead of hearing our wife ask us why the lawn hasn’t been mowed yet, we hear our dad telling our 7-year-old self that we are stupid, lazy, and worthless. And our well-meaning wife is looking at us in confusion. So how do we manage these moments in our relationships?

1. Mindfulness

Mindfulness allows us to respond to something rather than react to it. It teaches us to slow down. It shows us the space between us and a stimulating event. It allows us the time to decide what action we should take at any given moment.

2. Meditation

Meditation is a powerful tool in helping us cope with emotional triggers. Being still with ourselves and our thoughts, and understanding how to rein them in, can help us cope with triggers. We take things less personally. We ground ourselves easier and quicker. We focus on our breath when stressed. We manage our triggers better. And those of our partners.

3. Breathing

Breathing allows the body to return to a normal state. Inhaling and exhaling long breaths help the body understand that a threat is gone and is no longer needed. Long, slow deliberate breaths through your nose and mouth can do wonders when you are emotionally hijacked by your limbic system. Just breathe.

4. Time Outs and Pausing

It is perfectly okay to take a time out when you are triggered by your partner in a conversation. Sometimes we just need a moment to gather ourselves. Communicate that you need some space and will return to the conversation when you are calm again. Use this time to calm down and reflect on what is happening to you. Go for a walk. Do the dishes. Pet the dog. And return to the conversation again. You must return.

5. Self-Awareness

We must know our triggers so we can identify them and their emotions. This will help us recognize and understand why we are being triggered in a conversation. Did our partner say something that triggered our inner critical voice? Are we now being overloaded and overtaken by these negative soundtracks? By knowing ourselves, and the issues from our past, we are better able to handle the present moment because we can differentiate it from the past.

6. Therapy

Both individual and couples therapy are beneficial methods for understanding our triggers and how they play themselves out in our relationships. Individual therapy offers us a place to safely investigate our lives and develop coping skills to better handle ourselves in the world. Couples’ counseling can offer us a safe space to process triggers and interactions and develop healthier lines of communication.

7. Communication

Talking with our partners is instrumental because it creates stability, comfort, safety, understanding, patience, reliability, support, and trust. When we openly discuss our triggers and listen to our partners, we facilitate a deeper understanding of each other. And this helps to create a healthier connection.

There are many skills we can use in our relationships to manage conflict. Find something that works for you. And practice, practice, practice. Focus on yourself, know your triggers, and develop new skills. Your lives will be better together because of it!

Schedule your Online Couples Counseling session today! BOOK

How many times have you found your attention wandering when listening to your husband or wife?

How many times have you nodded your head in understanding even though you may have missed the main point?

There is nothing wrong or irregular in this behavior. It happens to all of us, all the time. We may hear what another person is saying but unless we listen we can’t comprehend what he or she is saying!

How do we learn to listen in our most important relationships? Listening can ‘make or break’ the quality of connection in our marriage and intimate relationships.

The first thing is to control your thoughts. You cannot be a good listener if you allow your thoughts to wander. This happens most often when some word or statement made by the speaker triggers your memory, and you drift off. Once you are aware you are drifting, try to pull your thoughts back, and refocus. This is not easy because the mind is a powerhouse!

How do you train your mind to focus to your partner? Practice! Try listening to something that maybe interests you, or maybe not. Let it run for a few minutes. If your mind loses track of what the speaker is saying, then restart the speech! Next, increase this time to ten minutes, and repeat the exercise.

You now need to repeat the exercise using a video, where the speaker waves his hands or stops for effect or rattles off sentences. You will find that very often these minor things send your mind on its own trip! You need to stop the mind from doing so. In other words, you must not allow yourself to be distracted by the dress, mannerisms or the activity going around the speaker.

You are now ready to listen to people in real life. Your mind will stay focused, and you will and that you are a better listener in your relationship with your husband, spouse, and significant other. Whatís more, you will find that better listeners are also better understood.

Being Understood Is A Major Part Of Maintaining Connection in our relationships! If you are finding yourself frustrated, feeling as though the conversation is going in circles, nothing is getting resolved, perhaps a lack of quality listening is to blame. In sessions with couples during virtual counseling at The Center of Connected Living – Fl with Dr. Corinne Scholtz, we explore the communication strengths and weaknesses of your marriage or couples relationship, and provide feedback for helping the two of you find a way forward.

Schedule your free consultation to discuss what a virtual couples, marital, or individual therapy session looks like at The Center of Connected Living – Fl in Ft Lauderdale with Dr. Corinne Scholtz.

So often we spend most of our time taking care of our physical needs. We make sure our bodies are fed, cleaned, clothed, exercised and rested. We also make sure intellectual stimulation and entertainment is a priority. Yet we also overlook the most important need — love.

Of course, as a society, love is not overlooked. Popular media constantly places great emphasis on what we need to do and how we should look to attract “love”. But being loved is not as powerful an emotional need as that desire to love someone else. The need to love and care for others is built into us biologically.

This need is what allows parents to forgo sleep, food, and sanity while raising their children. This need is what allows people to put themselves at risk to save others from natural disasters and human threats. This need is what makes human society work on both a small and a large scale. Loving others allows us to put the needs and desires of others before our own.

In our intimate relationships, marriages, friendships with family and friends, love comes in different shapes and sizes. In every relationship, we express and receive love differently. Many times in our couples or marital therapy and counseling sessions, the 5 Love Languages comes up. This is a super popular book that has changed the way we give love and express love.

Take a moment to consider when you feel most loved in your intimate relationships or marriage. How do you give love to those around you?

Let’s explore this fundamental need in your couples or individual therapy or virutal counseling session at The Center of Connected Living-Fl in Ft. Lauderdale with Dr. Corinne Scholtz.

Communication is the key to any relationship. With bad communication, problems crop up at unexpected places. This is a classical case. Sometimes, we say things we don’t mean without even realizing it. We continue to go about our day, unaware of the fact that we hurt someone’s feelings. It is important to let someone know when they hurt your feelings with their words. They will learn your sensitivities, and be able to explain what they actually meant.

What you say can make a big difference to your relationship. How will the listener know what you mean? The listener only picks up your words and makes interpretations. Choosing the right words while communicating is important. If you know about your partner’s sensitivities about a subject, you have to be very careful while talking even in jest. Your tone has to be perfect and you have to be careful while speaking. You never know when you will hurt your partner’s feelings. This communication care is very important in keeping a healthy relationship.

Freedom in communication can be taken if you are sure that your partner understands you well and will not take any talk otherwise. In that case, you both behave like close friends, who speak their mind without bothering. If the relationship has not reached that level you have to be careful while talking. Loose talk can spoil a relationship.

It is also smart to not communicate about important subjects over text. Tone and meaning can get lost and misinterpreted. Speaking in person opens the door for more intimacy and the truth.

*Want help learning to have communication that flows smoothly and easily between you and your partner? Our couples counseling is virtual, confidential and private. Schedule a consultation today!

*Learn more about our marriage masterclass which covers communication traps and solutions!

It should be obvious that there are basic differences between being in love or just obsessed. Sadly, that’s not always the case. Many people find themselves in relationships that they feel are loving when, in reality, it’s an unhealthy obsession.

Even when these people are faced with the facts, they often refuse to admit that they’re more obsessed than in love. In fact, you may be one of those people who is obsessed, rather than in love. So if you haven’t gone completely round the bend, following are some signs that you may be obsessed rather than in love:

You flake on responsibilities because of a chance that you’ll have of running into the object of your obsession. This includes missing work, school or other important appointments because they said they MIGHT call you, or there’s the off chance that if you stay in a certain location long enough, they’ll come in. When you miss commitments just because of your obsession, you’re only going to be sorry later in life when you don’t even remember this guy’s name.

You miss out on things that you love doing just so that you can be available in case they decide they have time to call you or want to see you. What you’re actually doing is putting your life on hold for another person. Now, this may be fine if you’re in a serious relationship or are married, but when this person has done nothing to show you that you mean much to them, it makes no sense for you to rearrange your life for them. You’re only missing out on a lot of fun by doing so.

Your friendships are taking a back seat to your obsession. When you’re obsessed with a person you’re dating or one that you WANT to date, you’ll tend to ignore your friends in favor of being available for this person, even when they haven’t called or made plans with you. Eventually, you’ll start driving your friends away from you because they understand that you don’t care much about them now.

If you notice any of these signs within yourself, please take note how far you’ve fallen down the Rabbit Hole.

You’re not meant to stop living your life just in CASE someone decides to give you a call or suddenly shows up to take you to dinner.

If it’s necessary for you to always be available on the off chance that he’ll call or come by, then it’s imperative that you get some help in overcoming your obsession.

This is something that could ruin your entire life if you allow it. That’s why you need to do everything possible to move past this obsession and involve yourself in a healthy relationship with someone that wants to be with you.

Individual therapy is a safe and confidential space to explore the way you are attaching to a love interest, or a partner. We will explore the patterns and belief systems that support obsessive behaviors. I look forward to working with you to build quality relationships with mutual respect and love!

A Good Communication Technique To Try For Couples

Human beings are social beings and we interact with people every day of our life. Often, our happiness depends a great deal on how the interactions with each person turn out. This is especially true of those whom we care about e.g. in close friendships as well as in marriage. However, because each personality we deal with is unique and presents its own challenges, managing the myriad of relationships requires us to consciously observe the process and impact of our interactions so that we continue to gain knowledge, understanding and experience in developing relationships in a positive way.

I have realized that to have good management of relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that does not provoke the other party, but is instead respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other. A good way to do this is through the communication technique of “I” Messages.

• In “I” messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party has led to the concerns.
• “You” messages focus on the other person and would usually lead the other party to become defensive unless the “You” message is a positive statement of the other person.

For example, a husband or wife is waiting for the return of the spouse and when the spouse returns, he or she might be greeted by this: “You are always coming home late! Why can’t you come back earlier?” This “You” message leads to the spouse feeling blamed and attacked and the ensuing communication would likely not be an amiable one. In a conflicting situation, “You” message focuses on attacking the other person. As a result, the primary issues are pushed aside.

In contrast, in this same scenario, an “I” message would look like this: “I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I’m concerned that you are often home late and I get rather frustrated wondering when you’re going to be home.” In this statement therefore, the speaker shares his or her feelings and concerns. The clear communication of the concern is a good starting point for both parties to work out what can be done about it.

“I” messages are effective because the focus is on the issue or concern and not on the other person. The sharing of the speaker’s feelings can also lead to more trust in the relationship as it shows the speaker is willing to look within himself or herself and take responsibility for his or her feelings.

In fact, generally in most interactions, my opinion is that the use of “I” messages is always superior to “You” messages and is a more respectful way of communicating. So, even when expressing positive feelings, a “You” message: “You look good in this dress”, could be enhanced by “I” messages: “I’m so happy to see you. I remember all the fun we used to have. You look good.”

Generally, there are three parts to an “I” message:

I feel _________________ (express your feeling)

when you _____________ (describe the action that affects you or relates to the feeling)

because _______________ (explain how the action affects you or relates to the feeling)

The order in which the 3 parts are expressed is usually not important.

Sometimes a fourth part might be added. This states our preference for what we would like to take place instead.

Examples of more “I” messages:

“I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I’ve done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?”

“I’m so happy you’re learning to cook because then I’ll know you can prepare your own meal when I’m unable to be home in time to cook.”

“When you take so long talking to your friend on the phone, I’m concerned that there might be urgent calls that cannot come through. Also, I feel frustrated as I would like to spend more time with you. How about asking your friend to call at another time, when I am not around.”

Use of “I” messages might not come naturally to most people initially. However, with practice, you will be surprised at how you will begin to like this communication approach, especially when you begin to experience the good result of better quality interactions and more harmonious relationships.

Take a moment out of your day and schedule a free couples counseling consultation to learn about what to expect with couples therapy and how to get started with the process.

10 Tips For a Successful Relationship from a couples counselor!

What’s the key to a successful relationship? Some say that truly is the “million-dollar” question. Sometimes it’s just the simple things that we easily forget or think are unimportant that hold the key to a healthy and happy relationship. Read through the helpful tips below on how to make your relationship go the distance. These tips are directly related to couples counseling sessions and reflect real life solutions for many of the couples I’ve worked with in therapy.

• Without quality time together, your relationship will not survive. Aim to devote at least half an hour a night, and at least a couple of days a month when the two of you spend time exclusively together.
• You both want to feel secure within the relationship. A good relationship is built on compromise and a lot of give and take from both of you.
• Often those little things that first attracted you to your partner can turn into nasty annoying habits. Learn to love your partner, warts and all. Don’t try to change them into something they’re not, after all you fell in love with them just the way they were.
• Money is one of the top conflicts between most couples. For the relationship to work, you need to address your finances and maybe even work out a budget.
• Learn to argue well. Never say something to your partner that you wouldn’t want to hear said back. Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand.
• Communication is vital to all healthy relationships. Listen to your partner and avoid blame and judgment. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior. Remember just talking things over can help you to both have a deeper understanding of each other.
• Sort out your sex life, if you are in a romantic relationship. There will be times when sex is put on the back burner. Communicate with your partner your expectations.
• Try to keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell your partner how much you need them, but don’t get too dependent on them and cling to them all the time, as that can make your partner feel trapped. On the flip side of this, don’t allow your partner to think you don’t need them, by going or doing things without them. Try to keep a happy and healthy balance between the two.
• Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, and feel the trust can never be regained then give yourself, and them a break and start again, with someone new.
• Don’t ever think that going to counseling is a sign of a failed relationship. It can turn a bad relationship around and can also turn an average relationship into an excellent one. More and more people are turning to individual and couples counseling today than ever before, it shows you are both prepared to try and make things better, which can’t be a bad thing at all.

The fact remains, that whether you’re dating or married, relationships are hard. It takes 100% commitment from both of you. However, healthy and long-lasting relationships are achievable and many couples have proven just that. Not everything is always going to be perfect but if you both choose to make it work then it can. And remember it’s the little things that you sometimes do that can go a long way to making your relationship work.

Want to learn more about how to make your relationship work long into the future? We offer a marriage masterclass in addition to couples and individual counseling. Schedule a free consult or session easily using our online portal. Hope to hear from you soon!

Great relationships don’t just happen, they require work from both ends. Here are some tips to get started based on years of counseling with individuals and couples! Even one person taking steps to change will affect the relationship dynamic. Want to work together to improve your relationship? Contact us for a free consultation to see how we can best help you flourish in 2023.

• Take Responsibility for Yourself. This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs and treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment.
• Kindness, Compassion, Acceptance. Treat others the way you want to be treated. We all yearn to be treated lovingly with kindness. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating others with kindness brings kindness in return.
• Learning Instead of Controlling. When conflict occurs, it is easy to become defensive. The desire to “win” an argument appears. But when one partner loses, both lose. It is important to communicate your feelings in a neutral manner (not with high emotions) and listen to understand, not rebuttal.
• Create Date Times. When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. As you grow more comfortable with each other, life seems to get in the way. It is easy to forget to set aside time for each other. But a relationship cannot last if you do not spend time together.
• Gratitude Instead of Complaints. Positive energy flows between two people when there is an attitude of gratitude. Constant complaints create a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. And if you do have a complaint, which is normal, make sure to lead with a compliment rather than dive right into the negatives.
• Fun and Play. We all know that work without play makes Jack a dull boy. Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.
• Acts of Service. One of the most popular ‘Love Languages’. A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life. Or do an act of service for your partner. Massage their feet, cook them dinner, paint that wall for them.

Want to work with us? Schedule a free consultation or your session easily using our convenient online portal. Looking forward to hearing about your relationship and seeing if we would be a good fit!