When things get tense in a relationship, it’s easy to slip into familiar patterns.
One partner might withdraw to calm down, while the other reaches out, hoping to talk or find reassurance.
Over time, these roles can become painful. The one who pulls away may feel misunderstood or overwhelmed. The one who reaches out may feel rejected or alone.
The truth is - both partners are trying to feel safe.
But safety can look very different for each person.
🌿 Introducing Capacity
In therapy, I often use the word capacity to describe how much emotional stress we can handle while still staying open and connected - to ourselves and to each other.
You can think of it like an emotional “window.”
When stress, conflict, or hurt push us outside that window, our system does what it knows: it either shuts down or gets reactive.
Building capacity means slowly expanding that window - so you can stay grounded and connected, even when emotions run high.
It’s not about perfection. It’s about building resilience and safety, one moment at a time.
💛 How Couples Build Capacity Together
Start by noticing what happens in your body when stress appears.
Tension in your chest, a tight jaw, or racing thoughts are all signs your system is reaching its limit.
Awareness is the first step to expanding capacity.
Then, give each other permission to slow down.
If one of you feels flooded, pause. Try a few deep breaths together or a quiet moment before continuing. Connection grows when both partners respect each other’s limits.
Create small rituals of safety - a reassuring hand, a calm tone, or saying “I’m still here, even if we disagree.”
These gestures gently signal safety to each other’s nervous systems.
And when conflict arises, stay curious instead of critical.
Curiosity builds understanding; criticism builds walls.
🌼 Try This at Home
Rather than saying, “You’re shutting down,” try, “I can see this feels hard right now - what might help you stay with me a little longer?”
Next time you feel disconnection creeping in, pause and ask yourself:
“What would help me feel 2% safer right now?”
It might be slowing your breath, softening your tone, or simply naming what’s happening inside you.
Tiny acts of safety create room for both partners to stay connected - even when stress shows up.
🕊️ Final Thought
Building capacity isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about strengthening your ability to stay with yourself and your partner - especially when it’s hard.
In couples therapy here in Fort Lauderdale, we work on this together - helping both partners grow emotional safety, trust, and resilience, so the relationship can hold more of what life brings.