Understanding Sexless Relationships and Finding Connection Again

A sexless relationship can feel painful, lonely, or confusing. You may miss the closeness you once had, or worry that the absence of sex means something is “wrong.” The truth? Many couples face this at some point - and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Why does this happen?

Intimacy often fades for reasons like:

• Stress & exhaustion - long days, parenting, or work leave little energy.

• Unresolved conflict - when we feel emotionally distant, physical closeness often disappears too.

• Medical or mental health factors - hormones, medication, depression, or anxiety can impact desire.

• Different needs - one partner craves more intimacy while the other feels pressure.

• Unspoken hurts or fears - body image, past betrayal, or trauma can quietly close the door to intimacy.

Challenging the Belief: “Something Must Be Wrong”

One of the hardest parts of being in a sexless relationship isn’t just the absence of sex itself - it’s the meaning we attach to it.

When love is tested, some couples break apart - others find a way to transform.

This is the story of a couple I worked with who chose the second path. Their journey offers a glimpse into how Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) can help partners work through deep conflict, reconnect emotionally, and create a more secure and resilient bond.

The Breaking Point

They came to me after an escalating argument led to a short separation. Both partners were hurt, angry, and unsure how to move forward.

Like many couples in conflict, their fights weren’t really about the surface issues - they were about what those issues represented. Beneath the criticism and defensiveness were fears of being unseen, unloved, or abandoned.

But in the heat of the moment, it was almost impossible for them to slow down enough to see those deeper emotions - let alone share them with each other.

Why They Chose Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy

They had already tried traditional couples therapy and found it helpful, but there was a recurring pattern: in the middle of emotionally charged conversations, they would still default to old habits.

Toxic dynamics don’t always mean a relationship is beyond repair. When both people are willing to do the inner and relational work, transformation is possible. Here’s how each of the couples we met last week began to shift toward healing:

Miss last week's blog? Read the full blog post here.

💛 Jenna & Luis: Rebuilding Safety Through Accountability

Before: Jenna felt constantly blamed and emotionally invalidated by Luis, who minimized her feelings and twisted conversations to make her feel at fault.

The Shift: In couples therapy, Luis learned about defensive patterns and emotional avoidance rooted in his own upbringing, where vulnerability was seen as weakness. Through individual therapy, he began taking ownership of how he dismissed Jenna’s emotions. Jenna worked on rebuilding her internal boundaries and self-trust.

What Helped:

• Naming the cycle (criticism ➡ defensiveness ➡ withdrawal)

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If you’ve ever felt like you’re the only one putting in the effort...

If you’ve swallowed your needs one too many times...

If you’ve found yourself silently tallying what your partner didn’t do...

You might be carrying resentment. And you're not alone.

Resentment is one of the most corrosive forces in relationships - but it’s also one of the most overlooked. Unlike anger, which is loud and explosive, resentment is quiet. It simmers beneath the surface, slowly draining connection and intimacy. Over time, it can harden into disconnection, contempt, and emotional numbness.

What Is Resentment, Really?

Resentment is often unspoken hurt - the pain of feeling unseen, unsupported, or taken for granted. It can stem from mismatched expectations, unequal emotional labor, unexpressed needs, or unresolved conflict.

When not addressed, resentment builds up over time and shows up as:

• Withholding affection or attention

• Passive-aggressive comments or behaviors

• Fantasies of escape or detachment

• Chronic dissatisfaction in the relationship

It may not look like a fight - it may look like silence.

There’s no big fight. No betrayal. No shouting or silence. Everything is fine - but you can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing.

And so you start to question yourself.

Am I being too sensitive? Is this just what happens over time? Shouldn’t I be grateful?

But here’s the truth: when a relationship becomes “fine,” it can start to feel emotionally flat. And if you’re the one who wants more - more intimacy, more presence, more truth - it can feel incredibly lonely.

Let’s talk about what’s really happening underneath the “fine.”

What Is Emotional Numbness in a Relationship?

Emotional numbness isn’t always loud or obvious. It doesn’t necessarily look like conflict, betrayal, or dramatic distance. In fact, it often hides in plain sight - under routines, responsibilities, and surface-level peace.

It can feel like:

• You’re functioning like roommates instead of romantic partners

• Conversations are practical but not personal

• There’s a lack of warmth, affection, or emotional intimacy

• You’re going through the motions but don’t feel deeply connected

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How to Love (and Grow With) an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

It’s one of the most heartbreaking experiences in a relationship: wanting closeness with someone who feels emotionally far away.

If you're with a partner who avoids deeper conversations, seems distant when you need support, or reacts with discomfort when emotions arise—you may be in a dynamic shaped by emotional unavailability.

And here’s something many people don’t realize:

Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Healing is possible. Growth is possible. And yes—love can still thrive.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

Emotional unavailability is when a person struggles to show up with vulnerability, presence, or emotional attunement in relationships. It often surfaces as:

• Discomfort when emotional topics arise

• A tendency to avoid conflict or deeper conversations

• Controlling or distracting behaviors (like overworking, people-pleasing, or “fixing”)

• Resistance to therapy or emotional introspection

Sometimes this looks like anger or numbness. Other times it’s masked by busyness, perfectionism, or providing material support in place of emotional intimacy. But the thread that connects these behaviors is protection.

What to Do When You’re Triggered in a Relationship

Understanding the root of your reactions—and how to respond with more clarity and compassion.

We’ve all had those moments where something seemingly small—a look, a tone of voice, a comment—sets off a wave of emotional intensity. Before you know it, your heart is racing, your chest tightens, and you're either lashing out, shutting down, or questioning everything about the relationship.

That’s a trigger.

But here’s what’s important to understand:

Being triggered doesn’t mean you’re too sensitive or broken. It means something inside you—often from the past—is asking to be understood, soothed, and healed.

So, what is a “trigger,” really?

A trigger is your nervous system’s response to a perceived threat. It’s a protective mechanism. Often, it’s not just the current situation that causes the reaction—it’s the emotional residue of past pain, unmet needs, or unresolved experiences surfacing in the now.

For example:

• When your partner gets quiet, it might remind you of emotional abandonment from childhood.

• When someone criticizes you, even gently, it may echo the voice of a parent who expected perfection.

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What Is Gaslighting, and Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Gaslighting is a subtle yet deeply painful form of emotional manipulation. It causes you to doubt your memories, perception, or instincts—making you feel confused, unsteady, and unsure of what’s real.

It’s often not loud or aggressive. It can sound like:

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “That never happened.”

• “You always make a big deal out of nothing.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

When someone repeatedly invalidates your experience like this, it chips away at your confidence, leaving you unsure of yourself—and sometimes even apologizing for things that weren’t your fault.

What Gaslighting Is Not

It’s important to clarify something:

Gaslighting is not the same as having a different opinion or memory.

In healthy relationships, people can (and do) remember things differently. That’s part of being human. The difference lies in how those differences are handled.

Healthy disagreement sounds like:

“I remember it differently, but I want to understand how it felt for you.”

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a relationship that feels intense, confusing, or hard to walk away from—even when part of you knows it isn’t healthy?

This might be a sign of a trauma bond—an emotional connection that forms when a relationship mirrors patterns from our past, especially those rooted in early childhood or formative experiences. These bonds aren’t formed through love alone; they’re shaped by emotional inconsistency, fear, and unmet needs.

They feel familiar, even when they hurt. And that familiarity can keep us attached, even when our intuition whispers something isn't right.

Defining Trauma—It’s Not Just What Happened to You

Trauma isn’t just about a single event. It’s about how that experience lived in your body and shaped your nervous system. Often, trauma stems from emotional neglect, abandonment, or chronic stress—not just obvious or acute events.

If you didn’t feel seen, heard, or supported as a child, your nervous system may still be responding as if danger or abandonment is just around the corner. This is why relationships can trigger such deep, confusing emotions.