How to Love (and Grow With) an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

It’s one of the most heartbreaking experiences in a relationship: wanting closeness with someone who feels emotionally far away.

If you're with a partner who avoids deeper conversations, seems distant when you need support, or reacts with discomfort when emotions arise—you may be in a dynamic shaped by emotional unavailability.

And here’s something many people don’t realize:

Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Healing is possible. Growth is possible. And yes—love can still thrive.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

Emotional unavailability is when a person struggles to show up with vulnerability, presence, or emotional attunement in relationships. It often surfaces as:

• Discomfort when emotional topics arise

• A tendency to avoid conflict or deeper conversations

• Controlling or distracting behaviors (like overworking, people-pleasing, or “fixing”)

• Resistance to therapy or emotional introspection

Sometimes this looks like anger or numbness. Other times it’s masked by busyness, perfectionism, or providing material support in place of emotional intimacy. But the thread that connects these behaviors is protection.

What to Do When You’re Triggered in a Relationship

Understanding the root of your reactions—and how to respond with more clarity and compassion.

We’ve all had those moments where something seemingly small—a look, a tone of voice, a comment—sets off a wave of emotional intensity. Before you know it, your heart is racing, your chest tightens, and you're either lashing out, shutting down, or questioning everything about the relationship.

That’s a trigger.

But here’s what’s important to understand:

Being triggered doesn’t mean you’re too sensitive or broken. It means something inside you—often from the past—is asking to be understood, soothed, and healed.

So, what is a “trigger,” really?

A trigger is your nervous system’s response to a perceived threat. It’s a protective mechanism. Often, it’s not just the current situation that causes the reaction—it’s the emotional residue of past pain, unmet needs, or unresolved experiences surfacing in the now.

For example:

• When your partner gets quiet, it might remind you of emotional abandonment from childhood.

• When someone criticizes you, even gently, it may echo the voice of a parent who expected perfection.

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What Is Gaslighting, and Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Gaslighting is a subtle yet deeply painful form of emotional manipulation. It causes you to doubt your memories, perception, or instincts—making you feel confused, unsteady, and unsure of what’s real.

It’s often not loud or aggressive. It can sound like:

• “You’re imagining things.”

• “That never happened.”

• “You always make a big deal out of nothing.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

When someone repeatedly invalidates your experience like this, it chips away at your confidence, leaving you unsure of yourself—and sometimes even apologizing for things that weren’t your fault.

What Gaslighting Is Not

It’s important to clarify something:

Gaslighting is not the same as having a different opinion or memory.

In healthy relationships, people can (and do) remember things differently. That’s part of being human. The difference lies in how those differences are handled.

Healthy disagreement sounds like:

“I remember it differently, but I want to understand how it felt for you.”

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a relationship that feels intense, confusing, or hard to walk away from—even when part of you knows it isn’t healthy?

This might be a sign of a trauma bond—an emotional connection that forms when a relationship mirrors patterns from our past, especially those rooted in early childhood or formative experiences. These bonds aren’t formed through love alone; they’re shaped by emotional inconsistency, fear, and unmet needs.

They feel familiar, even when they hurt. And that familiarity can keep us attached, even when our intuition whispers something isn't right.

Defining Trauma—It’s Not Just What Happened to You

Trauma isn’t just about a single event. It’s about how that experience lived in your body and shaped your nervous system. Often, trauma stems from emotional neglect, abandonment, or chronic stress—not just obvious or acute events.

If you didn’t feel seen, heard, or supported as a child, your nervous system may still be responding as if danger or abandonment is just around the corner. This is why relationships can trigger such deep, confusing emotions.

Have you ever wondered why you or your partner react so differently to stress, conflict, or uncertainty?

Maybe one of you tends to spiral into anxious thoughts, while the other seems to shut down or power through without pausing to feel. This dance—this mismatch—can feel confusing and frustrating, especially when it repeats over and over.

There’s a fascinating explanation that lies in our biology.

Researchers often refer to variations in the COMT gene as the Worrier and Warrior gene. It affects how we process dopamine, the brain’s feel-good chemical that helps regulate emotion, stress, and decision-making.

• Worriers tend to feel things deeply. They may process stress more slowly and carry it longer, making them more vulnerable to anxiety, emotional overwhelm, or overthinking. But they’re also often highly empathetic, sensitive, and thoughtful.

• Warriors can regulate stress quickly and stay cool under pressure. But sometimes, they bypass emotion altogether or struggle to attune to their partner’s feelings in the moment.

Neither style is wrong. They’re just different ways of moving through the world—both shaped by genes and by our lived experiences.

Peace isn’t just a fleeting feeling or something we stumble into when everything is perfect. It’s not reserved for meditation cushions or quiet Sundays. Peace is a practice—a way of relating to yourself, your body, and others, especially during difficult moments.

In my therapy work, I often guide clients toward understanding how their nervous systems, emotions, and relationships are deeply intertwined. One powerful truth that continues to surface is this: when we begin to cultivate peace within ourselves, it ripples outward—transforming the way we connect with those we love.

🌿 The Nervous System’s Role in Conflict

Have you ever reacted to something your partner or friend said and thought afterward, “Why did I snap like that?” You're not alone. Many of us are walking around in a chronic state of activation—stressed, overstimulated, and bracing for conflict even when it's not there.

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s your nervous system doing its job—trying to protect you.

But if we want to shift how we show up in relationships, we must begin with the body. Learning to regulate your nervous system is foundational to practicing peace.

You’ve read the books.

You’ve journaled.

You’ve meditated, reflected, maybe even sat in some really hard therapy sessions.

So why does it still feel like you’re running into the same internal wall?

If that question has echoed in your mind lately, you’re not alone. Many people who are committed to healing eventually come to this uncomfortable moment:

“I’ve worked so hard on myself… so why do I still feel stuck?”

Here’s what I want you to know:

Feeling stuck doesn’t mean you’re failing. It usually means you’re ready to go deeper.

1. Your growth may have outpaced your nervous system.

It’s entirely possible to know what a healthier relationship or mindset looks like…

…while your body still reacts in old, protective ways.

You might intellectually understand boundaries or self-compassion, but your nervous system—still holding onto old trauma or survival strategies—hasn’t caught up. That’s not a shortcoming. It’s biology. It's your body saying, "This part still needs a little more love, attention, and safety."

In my work with clients (and in ketamine-assisted psychotherapy), I often see that real change happens not just in the mind—but in the body, too.

This Valentine’s Day, go beyond chocolates and flowers—give each other the gift of understanding, connection, and lasting intimacy.

In this special 90-minute couples session, you and your partner will explore how different “parts” of you show up in your relationship—some that protect, some that seek closeness, and some that carry past wounds. This IFS-informed approach (inspired by No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz) offers a new way to understand each other with curiosity and compassion.

💖 How It Works:

✨ Start with a personalized questionnaire to uncover your relationship strengths and growth areas

✨ Engage in a guided Parts Mapping exercise to understand emotional patterns

✨ Learn tools to navigate conflict and intimacy with self-awareness

✨ Leave with a deeper connection and shared language for love

💝 Gift This Experience!

Looking for a meaningful Valentine’s gift? You can purchase this session as a gift to use with your partner at a later date! A thoughtful way to invest in your relationship beyond just one day.

Your nervous system is constantly responding to the world around you—sometimes in ways you don’t even realize. If you often feel anxious, overwhelmed, or emotionally shut down, it may be a sign of nervous system dysregulation. The good news? You can begin to shift toward regulation with intentional practices that help your body feel safe, grounded, and present.

Signs of a Dysregulated Nervous System

🔹 Chronic anxiety, panic, or racing thoughts

🔹 Trouble relaxing, feeling restless or on edge

🔹 Emotional numbness, dissociation, or feeling "checked out"

🔹 Difficulty focusing or making decisions

🔹 Digestive issues, tension, or unexplained body aches

Signs of a Regulated Nervous System

✔️ Feeling present and connected in relationships

✔️ Ability to respond rather than react to stress

✔️ A sense of emotional flexibility and resilience

✔️ Healthy sleep, digestion, and overall well-being

✔️ Feeling calm and safe in your body

Steps to Shift Into a Regulated State

1️⃣ Breathe with Awareness – Slow, deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system (your "rest and digest" state). Try box breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4.

Connection is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship. It’s what helps us feel seen, understood, and supported by those we care about most. But fostering connection isn’t always easy, especially when emotions run high or when stress and misunderstandings creep in.

The good news? There are practical steps you can take to create a deeper sense of connection with your partner or loved ones. Below, we’ll explore strategies to strengthen your bond, even in challenging moments.

1. Pause and Breathe

When emotions start to escalate, your body’s stress response kicks in, making it harder to think clearly or communicate effectively. This is your brain’s way of protecting you, but it can also create barriers to connection.

What to do:

Take a few deep breaths to calm your nervous system. Try this simple breathing exercise: inhale deeply for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale slowly for six counts. Repeat this a few times to help yourself feel grounded and centered.

Why it helps:

Regulating your body’s stress response creates the space you need to approach conversations with clarity and compassion rather than reacting impulsively.